My new year resolution is to disappear and start fresh. The problem is, I have two babies. I love them so much but I just cant deal anymore. I feel like they would just be better without me, everyone would. I'm not talking suicide because I am too much of a coward. Although that often creeps into my head. There isn't one person that could possibly understand what it is like to be me, to be in my head, to be so impulsive and frustrated with life. For years I have suffered from anger and severe depression. It seems that no matter how much therapy or medication I try I just cant kick it. I am running out of energy. This year for Christmas, my family broke up. (12yrs is a long time) My daughter is crushed and my son is too young to understand. I did love him once and my intentions were to spend always and forever with him. We had our problems but we always got through it. I guess we both ran out of energy fighting to keep it together. It seems to me that through all the excuses, this is my fault. I was too much of a bitch and expected too much. He said I tried to change him and he wants to find himself again. The thing is, I only asked for simple things but it was too much. I didn't want him to change, I just wanted to move forward with our lives instead of just standing in the same place. The minute I entered college things changed between us. It felt like instead of working with me, he was working against me. We have been up and down for a few years now. Everything just fell apart. I can say that he tried to be affectionate but I was so angry about things that were going on that I pushed him away. Just sitting next to him was a task. Maybe I was wrong, maybe my expectations were too high. It really doesn't matter where the blame lies because its over now. My heart hurts and I cant stop crying. The thing is, I have wished him gone a million times but now I want him back. I want us when we loved to cuddle and laugh about stupid stuff. I want to be able to lay in bed with our babies and watch a movie, go on hikes, trips to new places together. Our memories are not bad but are painful. Today I intentionally hurt him. I removed everything as if he never existed to me and told him this. I wont talk to him and made it so the kids have to endure Christmas separately. Believe me I don't want this for my kids but if he is there I will just cry. I know this is wrong and selfish but this seems to be my coping method. Ive used it for years. Dismissed many from my life. I thought that if I did this, the pain would stop. I was wrong. He is different from the others. I want to call him and beg him to come home but I wont. I want him to hold me in his arms and tell me we are going to be OK. It wont happen cause I am too stubborn to show that I'm hurting. Instead I will be mean and nasty. I will make this as hard as it can possibly be. I have no restraint. I make plans to tell him, to do this the right way and let him leave peacefully and then I well don't know what happens. I gave him all our memories. The pictures, the jewelry, anything that he gave me I gave back. So this is where I am at. I seem to be no good for anybody at this point and am thinking about letting him take the kids and leaving. Drop out of school and take one of the away from home positions. I will see and talk to my babies but wont torture them with my presence. Maybe someday he will find someone who treats him better and can be a better mom then I can be.I just wanna crawl in a hole and die, alone and empty with regrets!!!

What is your definition of a parent?

 Tonight I had a very long discussion with my sister regarding the phrase "As parents we need to give our children space to let them grow, learn, make mistakes and  become their own person". It became a very deep 2hr long discussion. Not that I minded because I enjoy hearing her point of view, she can be very insightful. She always brings up some good points that get me thinking. I hope no one takes offense to this post or takes it as a personal attack because in no way am I trying to do that. I'm just stating my opinion on the subject.

Nothing is black and white in parenting. Regarding the phrase "As parents we need to give our children space to let them grow, learn, make mistakes and become their own person" I agree but fear that its been taken out of context. No where in this statement does it say that you should let your children raise themselves. It is just simply telling you not to hover over their every decision, allow them to make mistakes but still be there for them at the same time. Children still need guidance, rules, boundaries and stability. They might not always like what we say or expect of them but its important for them to hear and know. Don't get me wrong because I myself make errors in how I handle things but I just feel we need to be more aware. It is our responsibility as parents. Sure they may still make stupid mistakes but at least they were guided in the right direction. I think today many of us are slacking in this department.

Have you noticed how many young girls are running around half dressed. They barley look their age anymore. Just the other day I saw a young girl maybe 14yrs of age wearing see through leggings with no panties. I wanted to pull the car over, give her a lesson in what is appropriate and whats not.Where was her mother when she left the house? These young girls have no respect for themselves, portraying themselves as something they are not let alone can handle. Dressing the way they do also causes them to become targets to all those sickos. It doesn't help that stores are selling these provocative clothes either. I was looking for skirts for my 8yr old, after 4 stores I still hadn't found one that was a comfortable length. They were all way to short!

Not only are they dressing inappropriately but are sexually active at a younger age now too. Getting pregnant as young as 11yrs old both willing and accidentally. Where was the guidance these children needed? How does this keep slipping past the parents or for that matter the school because that's where it seems to be happening more often? This is disturbing to me! Action needs to be taken! There are free clinics yet the pregnancy and disease rate is still rising in our young. Did you know 65 million people are currently living with incurably sexual transmitted diseases and nearly 2/3 of all STD's occur in people younger than 25 years of age.

Some parents are even allowing their children to do drugs and drink as long as its in their own home. They have the notion that they will be safer that way. In some way I can see their point but in another your giving the child the idea that its OK. There are drug and alcohol laws for a reason. I'm aware that all teenagers or most at some point will try drugs but is this a rational way of thinking.

I am not putting it all on the parents because I think it depends on the situation. I am simply saying that in most cases a little guidance and discipline can go a long way. I'm going to end my rant now. Thanks for reading.

The past week has been hell for me, to put it lightly. Having two very sick kids is no fun to deal with. Two Thursdays ago both my kids came down with what I thought was a cold. They both had runny noses, congestion with cough, and were just plain miserable. I picked up some cold medication thinking it would help but I was very wrong.

Friday all my daughter wanted to do was sleep, she started running a fever, complaining that her head hurt. This concerned me because she is not one to lay around all day even if she is sick and this kid didn't move from the couch all day. It was a good thing they canceled school because she would of missed yet another day. My son at this point was just really cranky but other wise fine. He was running around causing havoc like usual! That night Jazz woke up screaming, talking about an orange pill, how she tried to stand up but.... (she never finished). She wasn't making any sense! It wasn't long before she calmed down and went back to sleep.

By Saturday things had gotten worse and my daughter was complaining of chest pain too. The chest pain was very alarming for me because she has asthma so I called the doctor. They were nice enough to call a script in for her inhaler. The problem with this was I had no way to get it so I steamed up the bathroom and had her drink black coffee. I'm told it helps open up the airways. She was good after this, so we were able to wait till morning. You see its been over a year since her asthma has acted up, so the inhaler I did have turned out to be expired (just my luck). My son at this point was just a really cranky but other wise fine. I think it also helped both of them that their Aunt and cousins came over for the night. I know, the kids were sick right! What was I thinking? It had been planned and my sister doesn't get to come over much due to transportation issues, so I followed through with it.


Sunday morning was the St Patrick's Day Parade and The Shamrock Run, something Jazmyn had signed up for in school. It was very important to her, she even wants to do the relay for life. She begged me to let her go, so I broke and said yes. Where was my motherly instincts than right! It was cold, windy, just not a day for a run or Parade. Jazz was running with my mom, niece and nephew originally but than my sister decided to run with her four kids too. This made me feel a bit better because now there would be two adults if Jazz couldn't handle it. I figured I would meet them half way just in case Jazz needed to stop (any of the kids for that matter). At the same time I could stay with my son for his first Parade. Well things didn't go as planned, Jazz ended up separated from both adults. She came walking down the sidewalk with my nephew instead of running. My nephew had ended up carrying her most of the way because her chest hurt. I was pissed, I had left her with two adults and neither one was with her. Not only was my daughter separated but she didn't have her inhaler either. It was back with my mother. It wasn't long before my mom came up the street and I was able to grab her. Jazz took the inhaler and decided to keep going. The problem was, I had no idea till her and my mother were already gone. I had turned my attention to my son for a second and they disappeared. Thank god Jazz was fine, she returned with my mother with no more problems. We went from the Parade to lunch, than home. My sister and her kids left later that night. My kids were exhausted so ended up passing out soon after she left. That night Jazz woke up screaming again! She was yelling "he is coming to get me". She curled up in a ball on her bed crying. It took about ten minutes to calm her down. She ended up sleeping in our room with us.

Monday morning I had enough and called the doctor. They were nice enough to see the kids right away. It turns out they both had ear infections. He prescribed them antibiotics and sent us on our way. I didn't want Jazz to get too behind so I went to the school to pick up her work. When I got there I was told that 52 kids had gone home the day before with similar symptoms as Jazz. The teachers exact words were "he kids are dropping like flies, they come in fine and go home sick". This was not what I wanted to hear. It must be the drastic changes in weather. When will the warm weather come and just stay?

The kids are still not better. Jazz finally felt good enough to go back to school Wednesday but is still congested. Jaidyn seems to be getting worse not better. I hate to sound like a terrible mom but I need this to end! I'm tired and overwhelmed!

The picture you see to your left was drawn by my 8yr old daughter the other day. Can you tell she was mad at me? I cant even be upset because she has a right to her feelings. I hate when she is mad at me but I guess that comes with being a mom. 

I know its impossible to protect your child from ever being embarrassed or hurt but today I wish it were. I remember those moments, how it felt, how it followed me. Still to this day some of the cruel things kids did and said effect me. I realize that it is unrealistic to want, it just hurts me to see her hurt.

Today, I received a call from my daughters teacher saying that there was an situation towards the end of the day. She sounded very concerned as she explained to me that Jazmyn had an accident in class. At first I thought maybe Jazz had pooped in her pants. You see she has a medical condition that causes her bowels to get backed up and then it hurts for her to go so she holds it. In the end she ends up smearing in her underwear. I was very wrong at this assumption.

My understanding is that they were playing a game called 7up and she just wet herself. The teacher says Jazz didn't ask or show any signs of having to go. She didn't even acknowledge the fact that she had wet herself, just kept on playing. One of the other kids just happened to notice the puddle and pointed it out to the teacher. In doing so, the other kids became aware of what had happened. All the children started laughing at her, making fun of her for what had happened. When asked Jazz told the teacher "A pipe must be leaking". Poor kid either really had no idea or was too embarrassed.

To make things worse they never changed her clothes. The teachers excuse was it was ten minutes before boarding the bus but I feel that's a poor excuse. If they had called me, I would of gone to get her. Instead she had to sit in pissed clothes all the way home. It must of been torcher for her. I cant even imagine how she must of felt. Some of the kids in her class are on her bus and you know just as well as I how cruel kids can be.

When she came in I didn't mention it at first. I was thinking she would talk to me about it on her own time. She was very quiet, just stood in the living room watching TV for a few minutes before I asked her what had happened at school. Her response was nothing, she was so embarrassed that she didn't even want me to know. I wanted to let it go but couldn't. She needed to get cleaned up and changed. When I finally got her talking, she told me the same thing she told the teacher " A pipe must of leaked". I didn't want to pressure her but I needed to know, so I told her to come to me so I could check her. She refused, told me that she had an accident. I told her she should go get cleaned up and changed. As she walked into her room she started to cry. I felt so bad, I wanted to cry with her. Its so painful to see your child hurting like that.




To be continued...

My daughter is a little worry wart. She makes everything into something bigger than it is and gets overly upset about the littlest things. You might actually find this kind of humorous, I know I did.

The other day we were driving into town and the gas light came on, Jazmyn, my 8yr old  had a near heart attack because we didn't immediately go get gas. She says to me a few seconds after the ding went off " Can we get gas? "Putting it in the form of a question but saying it in a demanding way. I reassured her we would but that wasn't good enough. A few minutes later she says "Your wasting gas!" She didn't shut up about it till we pulled into a station. I told her we were fine and we would get gas soon. She still wouldn't let up, saying "I'm serious, we could break down at any second" in a very concerned voice. At this point her father chimed in saying "we were fine, that we would just run out of gas not break down". I don't know what possessed him to say that but it just got her going more. She was truly in a panic about the possibility of us running out of gas. The car didn't help matters because the stupid thing dinged again too. Jazz says " Yeah but will will get stuck and me and Jaidyn are here". How cute is that, she thought of her baby brother. I just ignored her, I was sick of hearing it. We were going to get gas but needed to do a few things first. A few minutes go by and she says " I'm serious we should really get gas!". She was loud and very assertive when she said this, almost like she wasn't giving us an option. We could see she was really distressed by it so went and got gas. It was cute but aggravating at the same time!