My New Year Resolution!

Sunday, December 23, 2012by Melissa | 0 comments |

My new year resolution is to disappear and start fresh. The problem is, I have two babies. I love them so much but I just cant deal anymore. I feel like they would just be better without me, everyone would. I'm not talking suicide because I am too much of a coward. Although that often creeps into my head. There isn't one person that could possibly understand what it is like to be me, to be in my head, to be so impulsive and frustrated with life. For years I have suffered from anger and severe depression. It seems that no matter how much therapy or medication I try I just cant kick it. I am running out of energy. This year for Christmas, my family broke up. (12yrs is a long time) My daughter is crushed and my son is too young to understand. I did love him once and my intentions were to spend always and forever with him. We had our problems but we always got through it. I guess we both ran out of energy fighting to keep it together. It seems to me that through all the excuses, this is my fault. I was too much of a bitch and expected too much. He said I tried to change him and he wants to find himself again. The thing is, I only asked for simple things but it was too much. I didn't want him to change, I just wanted to move forward with our lives instead of just standing in the same place. The minute I entered college things changed between us. It felt like instead of working with me, he was working against me. We have been up and down for a few years now. Everything just fell apart. I can say that he tried to be affectionate but I was so angry about things that were going on that I pushed him away. Just sitting next to him was a task. Maybe I was wrong, maybe my expectations were too high. It really doesn't matter where the blame lies because its over now. My heart hurts and I cant stop crying. The thing is, I have wished him gone a million times but now I want him back. I want us when we loved to cuddle and laugh about stupid stuff. I want to be able to lay in bed with our babies and watch a movie, go on hikes, trips to new places together. Our memories are not bad but are painful. Today I intentionally hurt him. I removed everything as if he never existed to me and told him this. I wont talk to him and made it so the kids have to endure Christmas separately. Believe me I don't want this for my kids but if he is there I will just cry. I know this is wrong and selfish but this seems to be my coping method. Ive used it for years. Dismissed many from my life. I thought that if I did this, the pain would stop. I was wrong. He is different from the others. I want to call him and beg him to come home but I wont. I want him to hold me in his arms and tell me we are going to be OK. It wont happen cause I am too stubborn to show that I'm hurting. Instead I will be mean and nasty. I will make this as hard as it can possibly be. I have no restraint. I make plans to tell him, to do this the right way and let him leave peacefully and then I well don't know what happens. I gave him all our memories. The pictures, the jewelry, anything that he gave me I gave back. So this is where I am at. I seem to be no good for anybody at this point and am thinking about letting him take the kids and leaving. Drop out of school and take one of the away from home positions. I will see and talk to my babies but wont torture them with my presence. Maybe someday he will find someone who treats him better and can be a better mom then I can be.I just wanna crawl in a hole and die, alone and empty with regrets!!!


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