How do I explain this to my child!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011by Melissa | 2 comments | Labels: , , , ,

I am at a loss of words! I just don't know what to say or how to say it so she will understand. I mean how do you explain to your 8yr old that the person she calls grandpa and loves so much has a past. A past that doesn't allow me to trust him alone with her. I have tried so hard to hide this from her yet keep her safe but its getting too hard.

The only reason this man came into our lives was through my best friend (sister). You see this is her grandfather but he kind of adopted us. I never meant to get so close but I'm not supposed to make it obvious that I know what he did to her. So for the past 7yrs this man has been in our lives. I have pretended even made as normal of a relationship as I can possibly bare. (more for her of course) He has done a lot for us and is a very kind person but that feeling in my stomach is still there when hes around and even more when he is playing with my child. He went through intense therapy for what he did but I truly believe that its not something that goes away if you talk about it. Maybe I'm over reacting because of what happened to me as a child but I just cant shake the feeling. I am very nervous leaving her there even though I know no one would allow him to hurt her. They all say the same thing, that he wouldn't dare. The fact remains that he did at one point and still might be capable.

Jazmyn loves her tee tee and is very close with her son. They were born three months apart so you can imagine their bond. We are very close with the whole family. Although it is very rare that Jazmyn is over at their house with out me it still happens. Last night was one of those nights and obviously they were not paying close enough attention because she slipped up stairs to grandpas room. When I went to pick her up, her tee tee pulled me aside to let me know. I was pissed because she has been told about being up there. I freaked out until I realized I was bugging on her for something she doesn't even understand. How do I explain this without shattering her. I calmed down and tried to explain to her that it makes me very nervous when she is up there alone or with the other two kids with him. I told her that its not just him, its any man except for her father. I don't know if this was the right way to go about it but she said she understood.  She said she would ask first. The worst part about this is I spoke to gramps and told him I was uncomfortable with her being up there. How dare him disrespect my wishes! Again I have to hold my tongue because he doesn't know that I know.

I could barley sleep last night! The first half of the night I just kept running the scenario over and over in my head. What if? Would she tell me if something happens? Do people and can people really recover or change?

I keep asking myself why I allowed this in the first place? How could I put my child in this position?
Am I a horrible mom for allowing her to be around him? How do I protect her without hurting my friend?


Anonymous said...

Hmmmm, very good questions.

Yes. People can change. People can recover. They have to want to is all. However, we can never truly know what is inside another, and once it's shown to others, i think it should be considered.

In my opinion, you should be more concerned over the trauma you know that kind of thing would induce on your daughter, than about who will be pissed off at you because you are reasonably concerned.

I don't think you made a bad choice, but obviously, children are unpredictable and rarely follow the instructions we give. In fact, because we tell them not to do it, they are more likely to do it.

Perhaps she is too young to be trusted to be there without you yet? She is only eight and this is only the beginning of her life. There will be other times when she disobeys even when she fully understands. Perhaps this isn't a chance you want to take?

4timesblessed said...

I don't know what happened to my comment :(

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